The Try-Works

There are two days a year that seem to bring out the unabashed fucking dumbest in our local hacks.  Like some kind of boxer on an insane workout regiment, they forgo their impulse to the worst kind of gruesomely hackneyed sentimentalism 363 days a year, but come September 11th and December 25th they just can’t help but spurt their worst all over their greasy keyboards.

So I nominate the following for the My Just Invented Title of Newspaper Hack(s) Most in Need of a Crucifixion.

In third place, Paul Campos, for a stiflingly dull attempt at contrarianism, wherein, in his eternal quest to appear mildly relevant, Mr. Campos give us his take on a rightfully forgotten nineteenth-century nonsense piece by William Dean Howell.

In second place, The Daily Camera editorial staff, for this wonderfully condescending, tacky, viciously classist headline, which, as one of their readers points out in the comments, fucking nukes the contrived feel-good horseshit being peddling in the story.

And in first place, The Rocky Mountain News, editorializing for Christ and George Washington.

To the more than 2 billion Christians around the globe, most of whom will gather today in everything from cathedrals to mud huts to celebrate the birth of Jesus, Christmas has always stood for hope amid despair - a miracle of light out of the darkness and a promise of liberation from the bondage of sin.

To Americans - of every stripe, not just Christians - Christmas should also forever be celebrated as a beacon of hope and liberty. For it was on this day 231 years ago that a small band of Americans, against all odds, turned the tide of history and saved this republic in its darkest hour.

The rest.

Ah, the Rocky, closing 2007 by mixing clichés with all the subtlety and grace of a double penetration.  Excellent work, Mr. Carroll.  When your paper finally tanks, there’ll always be a future for you over at Hallmark.